My friends did not understand why I suddenly changed my sitting position in class. Everyone knew that the first seat to the left of class was ‘mine.’ Then I started drifting back and back to the last seat. Whenever they ask why I don’t like the front seat, I tell them I am dodging questions from the lecturers. But I have my own motive for moving from the front all through to the back.
He is cute, his eyes charming like that of TV3’s Anita. His voice is a mixture of both femininity and masculinity that can cure depression. His stature, a sight to behold. His smile, infectious like measles. He walks like a nun from Rome. As if that is not enough, he’s calm like water that has been fetched from the sea. I can’t describe him enough. He’s every lady’s dream man. And he has the attraction power of a magnet. No wonder he attracted me from the front to the last seat. Yes, he’s a backbencher. And that was my motivation for leaving the comfort of the front seat to the back where I have to elongate my neck to see the board. But the cost is worth the benefit.
I was attracted to Stanley. I was just in love with him. All his close friends are aware of what I feel for him and they keep pushing me to get closer. They can even arrange a date for us. We go and sit for an hour in total silence. Stanley is really stressing me. He knows I like him yet he’s proving hard to get. Oh did I just say hard to get? Well, I haven’t even proposed yet, maybe that is why he’s acting aloof.
Sometimes the courageous girl in me pushes me to propose. I write and rehearse the proposal and even sing it. Like UCC exams, your brain returns to factory settings after seeing the questions. That has been my fate. Anytime I plan to propose, his presence and looks confuses me and I end up saying ” I just came to visit you.” Now I know what guys go through to get a lady. It’s not an easy task.
But you see, motivational speakers can deceive you to think that you can start a degree program today and end tomorrow. “If you want something, go for it. Nothing can stop you once you are determined,” so they say. It has been my motivation though and I kept pushing to get him. The D-Day finally came and I told Stanley what I feel for him. I was happy that at last, I’ve taken that burden out but I would be more happier if Stanley accepts my proposal.
Guys can be wicked. Stanley couldn’t consider the fact that I’m a lady and show some pity. He said “I like you too and I have noticed that you have really fallen for me. But I expected us to know each other well. Maybe I would have proposed to you, but you are fast tracking things.” At this point, I needed someone to lean on. My legs were shivering like I’ve been charged with murder. What is he trying to say? Is he going to accept or what? I needed an answer urgently. How can he say I’m desperate? Hasn’t he fallen in love before? Does he even know when I started crushing on him? Well maybe something good will come out still.
Finally, the long awaited moment came. Stanley was about to give his verdict. He started repeating stories. I was becoming impatient. “You see Nerrisa, I would have loved us to be in a relationship but it seems you’re so desperate for love and I fear if you will stay true to me. So if you don’t mind, we can still be friends and have fun like we do, but let’s forget about entering a relationship. I don’t know what your motives are.” I wanted the ground to swallow me. I couldn’t bear the shame and rejection. Does it mean I’m not good for him? Was it wrong to tell him I love him? A lot of thoughts running on my mind.
If you were me, will you ever think of approaching a guy again? Our society is just so corrupt. Why will my courage and determination be mistaken for desperation. If a guy had done this, he would have received applauses for being a hero. Can’t they understand that I know what I want and how to get it? Indeed this is a confused generation.
But you see, it’s the same thing guys go through before they’re finally accepted. Ladies bounce guys more than three times and they don’t give up. I’m not going to give up either. This shell that society has used to imprison ladies from expressing their feelings for guys needs to be broken. Ladies who propose love to men are not desperate for love. It’s high time ladies too begin to accept rejections, it’s part of growing up. But then, guys be lenient when we approach, when we succeed, other ladies will be motivated.